Wow I haven't written a blog in ages.

I am currently in a state that I can not describe. Old feelings surface and new ones arise. I am filled with so much emotion. I have begun feeling sick again.  I think that it is my body reacting to stress (I hope so) I just don't even know how to descibe my feelings. I feel empty and yet full- full of sorrow. The tears are back! I can't stop them and somehow I  have to get them all out before next week. How am I ever going to manage??? I guess I'll survive... somehow- I always do...it wont be easy though 

Today will be a busy one. I left my house at 7:20 and I have no clue when I'll be home tonight. Today's schedule goes somthing like this:

Work

school

meeting w/ old professor (Who is going to advise me on major)

Babysit for friend

Softball game/ graduation (Can't decide which yet)

concert/ constantine

then I have work again tom. - no school but lunch w/ friends then Disney.

Talk about pooped. Oh well busy means little time for thoughts right? Accept He will be at the game if I choose to go and at the concert. Crap! Thoughts return!

Also this weekend I have to read 1984 for my British Lit class- talk about a fun way to spend the holiday.

Wish me luck that I don't screw anything up today.

I haven't felt much like writing lately, I guess that is because writing down the facts helps draw truth to life, and I am not so sure that I am willing to accept truth right now. In doing so I know I am quite possibly weaving myself a dangerous web in which I am going to find myself entrapped. I am so confused. WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I NEED? WHAT SHOULD I DO? If only someone had the answers for me.

 I have found myself sinking back into a depression brought on by Punky. Man I hate feeling low. I find myself turning to food and trying in anyway to make myself feel beautiful. This is not GOOD! I have at least found a little relief. It may not be the best, but it does get my mind off HIM for a while at least. We will call my distraction Constantine (Not his real name). My only fear this will backfire in my face and leave me somehow hurt.  Oh well I can't think about that now- No thinking, just action. Hey it is nice to have someone hold your hand and say nice things about you. I know that I am probaly playing w/ fire. One of us is bound to end up w/ feelings causing one to get hurt, and I am not in the buisness of hurting others and I don't want hurt feelings. Anyways for the time being it is fun and I am enjoying it.

I am going to Disney this weekend w/ my mom and her boyfriend. That should be fun. I haven't been there since I was a little girl. I was actually holding out to go to the concert w/ punky as if he was going to change his mind. Pathetic I know! Oh well I am forgetting about it. That is my new mission; FORGET IT! DON"T THINK! Somehow I will master this! And Constatine is for now my ticket to that.

I just gotta pray (something that I have been slacking on) that I come out on top and with no extra scars Hey I am learning or at least trying to go w/ the flow. I am trying to busy myself not allowing time for thoughts- movies w/ this friend or that. Museum w/ two of my dearest childhood buds (Love ya'll), shopping w/ my mom- Whatever it takes!

So out of the blue last week my punky asks me to go to a movie w/ him. I was so excited I could have peed in my pants (actually my skirt). Wow! We had fun once again. Did the Fags make it difficult again? YES! They had to rag him and try to get him to come to their gay practice. Hello, is everyone so dumb or so mean that they just can't stay out of it and leave well enough alone. Pissed me off big time - they just need to get lives of their own. ANYWAY... We had fun and we got a chance to to talk. The main problem; Did I get over excited? Of course. Did this cause me to be dissapointed afterwards? Of course. And why ... because I am me! I try  to not allow myself to feel dissapointed and let down, but it is very difficult. All I can do is hold on to the hope!